Introduction
Ok -I know that this is the most First World blog in existence, and I do recognise that I am writing from a viewpoint and position of terrific privilege, but please hear me out and try to get to know a little about me.
There’s only one way to start this: by telling you that I absolutely love tights - and female clothes of all persuasions, and that this entire blog will be devoted to explaining why I love them so much.
There’s only one way to start this: by telling you that I absolutely love tights - and female clothes of all persuasions, and that this entire blog will be devoted to explaining why I love them so much.
Women wearing tights, or pantyhose as they’re often called have been my obsession since the age of four, before I really understood much else about the world. Other female clothing followed swiftly after and has never allowed me to escape its fascination.
This initial obsession has grown into a fetish and fascination with femininity, to the extent that much of my life has seen me fantasise and consider appearing as female.
This initial obsession has grown into a fetish and fascination with femininity, to the extent that much of my life has seen me fantasise and consider appearing as female.
This blog is my attempt to make sense of my experiences; and share with potentially millions the truth that I’ve only mentioned to a handful of people (all female) in real life.
Who Am I?
I am a man in my forties like so many that you know: married, with a young family and a steady middle-income job. I went to college and like to think of myself as an intelligent, liberal thinker without any prejudices. This blog inadvertently reveals that I’m interested in culture, technology and writing too, and part of me is a frustrated novelist - but I don’t kid myself that I’m talented or driven enough to make any money from sitting at a keyboard.
If I’m honest, my personality type is quite sensitive. I don’t like direct criticism and I’m not really streetwise or hardened to the demands of the modern world although I can look after myself and my family without too much trouble. My favourite thing is to be at home with my wife and children watching a movie or playing a video or board game together, or to get together with my friends to enjoy a celebratory meal out.
Occasionlly, I feel that part of me is still trapped at the age of 24 and wants to throw off my adult responsibilities, and yet the other half of me is ambitious and keen to make the very most of myself, earn more and make my family proud.
You’d probably like me if we ever met.
Men like me when I talk about cars, football and music although I’m not really a 'man’s man'. Women like me because I can be engaging and friendly with them, chatting about family life and celebrity gossip; but I’m not waspish, camp or flamboyant. I could never be regarded as an overly-familiar man (the creepy sort that put their hands on women’s hips when standing behind them at the office photocopier) but I can be gently flirtatious with the female colleagues and friends I really like.
You’d probably like me if we ever met.
Men like me when I talk about cars, football and music although I’m not really a 'man’s man'. Women like me because I can be engaging and friendly with them, chatting about family life and celebrity gossip; but I’m not waspish, camp or flamboyant. I could never be regarded as an overly-familiar man (the creepy sort that put their hands on women’s hips when standing behind them at the office photocopier) but I can be gently flirtatious with the female colleagues and friends I really like.
Whilst I’m not phobic in any sense (quite the opposite in fact), I don’t think of myself as gay as I find women exciting and sexually attractive and I have done from my formative years. My romantic and sexual history is a heterosexual one, and it is women rather than men whom I am drawn to today as much as ever - despite fantasies and even weeks going by when the idea of transitioning occupies my time.
Yet, talk of being straight or not, I seem to have spent much of my life being driven by painfully strong yearnings to dress and be identified as a woman; and I fully appreciate that wanting to be a girl is hardly conventionally heterosexual male behaviour!
I suppose that I’m a ‘Metrosexual’ or ‘New Man’ rather than an an Alpha Male - a gentle, kind type of guy who loves girls but who also finds himself obsessed with tights, underwear and other women’s clothes, hair and makeup - all the traditional, stereotypical indicators of western femininity.
I suppose that I’m a ‘Metrosexual’ or ‘New Man’ rather than an an Alpha Male - a gentle, kind type of guy who loves girls but who also finds himself obsessed with tights, underwear and other women’s clothes, hair and makeup - all the traditional, stereotypical indicators of western femininity.
Looking back, I have genuinely spent entire weeks of my life wishing to dress in female clothes - and thus become the gender that finds men attractive (and is in turn attractive to men). I’m not entirely sure if that undermines my previous statements about feeling straight or not, but I’m aware that many men like me are reconciled to being transvestites / cross-dressers and are otherwise straight in their lifestyle.
I'm coming round to thinking that transitioning might be the ultimate step for people like me who are so hung-up about everything female that they were born excluded from.
I'm coming round to thinking that transitioning might be the ultimate step for people like me who are so hung-up about everything female that they were born excluded from.
*****
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I’ve read many times that Freudian therapists link transvestite behaviour and fetishes back to childhood fears of castration. The first time I read about this was in Nancy Friday’s well-respected books about sexual fantasies. She spends a few pages describing the Freudian psychology behind male transvestite fantasies - trying to put her finger on why so many heterosexual men develop these particularly emasculating obsessions.
I’ve read many times that Freudian therapists link transvestite behaviour and fetishes back to childhood fears of castration. The first time I read about this was in Nancy Friday’s well-respected books about sexual fantasies. She spends a few pages describing the Freudian psychology behind male transvestite fantasies - trying to put her finger on why so many heterosexual men develop these particularly emasculating obsessions.
She pins it down to some essentially Freudian concepts, and I do believe that she’s in the right ballpark with her ideas. It only stands to reason that if you’re a man who really likes women - your greatest fear must therefore be castration, because without any balls you’re then no longer any use to women, the very thing that you idolise most.
The main ideas she summarises, are that men enjoy dressing as women because of:
(i) a fear of castration:
* I’m wearing a dress but my balls are still attached, so I haven’t got anything to be frightened of anymore.
* How can I possibly lose my cock and balls? Because everything’s hidden here under my skirt, you can’t come and cut them off.
* Ha! Look - you’ve looked at my dress and think that I’m a girl - so I don’t have anything down there for you to take away.
* Yay! It worked!
(ii) parental issues with mother and father - leading to a fear of castration by the father:
* I love my mother but am scared that dad will castrate me if he thinks that I’m competing with him. So, I’ll dress as a girl to make myself safe.
* How can I be a masculine rival and a threat to you, dad? I’m wearing a dress, so I’m powerless - there’s nothing down there that could cause you any worries - I’ve already lost the toolkit! I’m wearing a dress and so I can’t possibly have a cock.
* Nature’s beaten you to it by making me a girl - there’s nothing here for you to cut off, dad. I’m safe from you and you don’t need to worry about me.
It's fascinating stuff, and one day when I’m a lot better off, I’ll sit down with a female therapist (it couldn't ever be a man - too embarrassing) and open up about what’s written here in the blog. There’s bound to have been some underlying incident in my childhood that has caused me to love tights and want to dress up quite so obsessively. But, until then, I’m happy to be ignorant of its exact cause, and I'd certainly hate to be cured of my fetish.
*****
I Love Tights More Than Anything Else In The World
As I started the blog by saying, I absolutely adore women and the concept of femininity. First and foremost though in this love of beautiful women, is their clothes, and their tights in particular fascinate me like nothing else.
It might sound exaggerated and ridiculous, but not a single day has ever passed in my life since the age of four when tights haven’t occupied my thoughts. They have dominated my consciousness for forty years, beyond that of a occasional fetish.
For me, women’s tights represent the ultimate expression of femininity and sexual attractiveness.
I have been obsessed, fascinated and attracted to tights for as long as I can remember, even as a child at infant school. I’ve not ever been a very active transvestite or open trans woman (although I have been one to a strong degree in my head the entire time) as I don't go out in public fully dressed as a girl, but I’ve worn a pair of tights more times than I can remember: Sometimes with other female clothes, almost always alone but on a few occasions with my wife (or girlfriend, in the past) present, but I’ve nearly always worn them indoors and in private.
As I will go on to describe in a later post, I first tried some tights on in secret at the age of eight, and I still put some on at least every two weeks. But, as of 2018, I’ve never been seen wearing any in public (as far as I know) and I’ve never mentioned my fascination to anyone outside my own home.
I do think that a few people have known or suspected that I’m a cross-dresser, even if they don't know that it's tights in particular I'm really taken with. I’ve had some pointed and some cryptic remarks from housemates and friends over the years that have caused my heart to skip and my face to burn with embarrassment. If they have suspected though, they've only hinted things to me (or perhaps I've read too much into what they've said). Luckily I’ve never been openly accused or publicly humiliated, and for this I’m very grateful.
I’ll write about these experiences of being suspected and nearly caught-out later.
*****
Tights are simple objects of clothing that are worn by millions of women everyday without a second thought, and yet for me, every single day of the past 40 years have seen me think about tights for hours on end, but hardly ever wear them in the way that I’d really love to.
In my ideal world I’d be allowed to wear tights every day. The photos here in this first post say it all, because in my fantasies, I look exactly like these gorgeous girls - I especially love the girl in the red leotard!
I would genuinely give up everything, except my family, to be able to dress and look like the women I've pictured here.
I would genuinely give up everything, except my family, to be able to dress and look like the women I've pictured here.
For the moment though I’m stuck wearing male clothes and accepting my trans self remains an unspeakably special and all consuming secret obsession; one that I feel unable to openly discuss or indulge in without some from of guilt or misgivings.
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Thanks for reading. I’d be fascinated to hear your stories, responses and experiences too and I hope that my efforts will inspire you to finally share what you feel. Writing these entries has been incredibly liberating for me, and so I look forward to hearing if my love of tights is anything like yours. More posts will follow in the next week or so.
Thanks for reading. I’d be fascinated to hear your stories, responses and experiences too and I hope that my efforts will inspire you to finally share what you feel. Writing these entries has been incredibly liberating for me, and so I look forward to hearing if my love of tights is anything like yours. More posts will follow in the next week or so.
I imagine that most of the visitors and readers will be male (and will be tights-lovers or cross-dressers as well), but, if any women do read this, I'd be thrilled to hear your thoughts too. I want everyone to be read and share my experiences. Have fun until then.
Love from Hayley x
Love from Hayley x
